Are we there yet?

Lately, I've just realized that I'm tired of learning. Yet, at the same time, I'm not. Confusing, I know. I'll try and clarify, but I won't guarantee that anyone, let alone myself, will have a better understanding at the end of this blog. This isn't one of those blogs with "deep profound, philosophical blogs." That would be evident by the other submissions made... This is more of a "this is where I am right now."

I love learning in the sense that I love to explore and figure out new things. I love those "eureka" moments where clarity and understanding comes... I consider it a privilege to be able to learn "life lessons" from others, especially those who are older and have wisdom that is ready to be gleaned. I also love walking alongside of others as they discover life - this often happens as I journey with students, but also as I interact with my nieces and get to see them discover things.

Yet, I've also realized that while I love learning - it can also be quite taxing, especially when it is "first hand." Most people know this and that is why we remember that I never claimed to be presenting anything profound!!! So, the reality is, that while I wrestle and seek, I am never going to have it all together. I'm never going to have life figured out. I could even pretend to know it all - "if you don't know something, ask a 1st year." I will always struggle and be faced with the fact that I'm broken and cannot see the greater picture. And that all by itself seems a little hopeless, like why do I try? It's like the hamster running around in that stupid little ball. (who likes hampsters anyways?? I guess they're better than an ugly little rat). Lately, I feel like I've been in transition mode for too long (which is interesting considering I've spent the past 2 years in the same spot...). But it's probably also a reflection of how things are being moulded on a deeper level.



Janet would occasionally speak of having "open hands." And that analogy can be taken in a variety of ways - but usually has the undertone of receptiveness. Right now, I'm tired and I could easily close my hands. I think it might even be easier. But maybe harder in the long run. I don't want to become rigid and stagnant. That isn't to say I never fight...because I honestly do. But, what I know that I don't want to become stuck in what I know, refusing to change because I'm comfortable. It's causing me to think about God the terms of, "living water," and how that would automatically imply continual movement and shifting. There's a sense of novelty because no matter how slow the water moves, unless it is stagnant there is always change. And to be honest - I don't think I have any real thoughts... it's just where my thinking has been leading.