Jack Handey

I'll never forget the time I got caught stealing watermelons from old Mr. Barnslo's watermelon patch. I was with my friend Bobby. We were giggling so hard I thought I'd wet my pants!
At first we tried to steal two watermelons each, but they were too heavy and we dropped them and that made us laugh even harder.

Finally, we each picked out a good one and we were just about to sneak back through the fence when we heard a low, deep voice behind us. "Just were do you two think you're going with those watermelons?" I gulped and turned around. It was old Mr. Barnslow, pointing his shotgun at us.

Bobby dropped his watermelon, then pulled out the .38 revolver he kept in his waist, turned and fired. But the turning must have thrown off his aim, because the shot only hit Mr. Barnslow in the thigh. Mr. Barnslow immediately fired both barrels at Bobby. One blast of buckshot missed entirely, but the other tore into Bobby's shoulder. He tired to fire back, but his shoulder was so torn up he couldn't raise his arm. Just as he was trying to switch to his left hand, Mr. Barnslow ran up and cracked him across the face with the butt of his shotgun. Bobby fell to the ground in a heap. Mr. Barnslow raised the butt of his gun to finish him off, but just then Bobby pulled out his hunting knife and plunged it into the farmer's big white belly.
After that, I don't think I stole watermelons for at least a year.

The way I see it, kids need excercise more than they need ice cream. So when I worked as an ice cream man, driving an ice cream truck, I would try to drive fast enough that the kid couldn't catch me, but not so fast that he'sgive up right away. Some kids will chase you for eight or nine blocks.