More about the Untruth

SO interesting...I had been thinking about blogging about this for months and thanks to my friend Kathleen and her honesty...which I appreciate but also stirs up my anger because of the hurt and damage behind the lies that we fuel.  I don't think I have anything particularly profound to say...it's mostly just a rant because I hate that the people I care about are continually being hurt by ignorance.

I've likely been thinking a whole lot about singleness out of my inner response to people's comments to my getting married.  Their response really bothers me because I think it's hurtful and damaging.  I would love to say that the source is the church but it also comes from media and the movies too.  However, I do think that the church holds more responsibility because we should know better. So I'm going to ignore the movies and focus on Christians.  I love Christians but we really tick me off sometimes.

IT'S TRUE - there seems to be both a spoken and unspoken "status" of achieving marriage.  As if it's some sort of accomplishment.  It's like marriage has become a mark of "worthiness" or "loveability."  Which is garbage.  I've had several smug inquiries about my older siblings who are still single and whether or not it bothers them that I'm married.  Being mature, I want to punch them in the face.  Of course, it hurts them. Of course it bothers them...They have dreams just like everyone else, and it gets harder as they get older and know that time for a family does eventually run out.  And it disqusts me that someone would take pleasure in their hurt and pain.  But am I better person or more successful or loveable?  No.  In all honesty, I am in awe that I am married because I know that all of it was God's grace and God's timing and that had I been left to my own devices (which I struggled to grasp), I would have severely screwed it up.

We've made marriage into a club and if you walk down the aisle and say "I do" than you're in.  It's twisted and a perversion because I think out of desperation, of not being accepted by others and fear of being alone many have sprinted down to the altar not really knowing what they are doing or who they're in bed with.   And yes, I say it flippantly because I think that's what can become - sexually suppressed Christians who jump into bed (either before or after marriage) because their horny and allow their hormones to cloud their judgments about love, sex, marriage, etc....  (and that would be another topic that I could rant on about...about how we suppress sexuality in the church...but right now we'll just focus on this).  I don't find it surprising that divorce is as common in the church as it is because Christians are getting married for the wrong reasons.  I bet many would cringe and probably completely dismiss the notion that they possibly got married due to peer pressure.  We're far more mature than that...

Because I got married at 30, I've been given the impression that I've sort of slipped in the door just in time.  A late bloomer folks.  Really?  So does that mean that a person who gets married at 18 vs 53 is 35 years more successful?  It's actually a stupid question but that seems to be the logic that we're following.

I get that I'm writing this as one who is married and so for someone who is still single...they still think, "You're married, so you can't relate anymore."  And I would say to some degree that they are right.  But in marrying later, I know the angst of "what if I never get married?" "what if there is something wrong with me?" "what if I'm not loveable?"  "what if in breaking up with (blank), I just gave up my last hope of marriage?" "what if I lost weight or put more effort into appearance??  But what if I do that and guys still don't find me attractive?"

There are quality, single people.  Loveable.  Worthy. Godly men and women.  And I don't know why God hasn't fulfilled that dream and desire to be married.  I don't know.  What I do know, is that regardless of the timing is that they have meaningful and life-giving lives.  Marriage doesn't all of a sudden provide purpose and meaning.  Neither does having children.  I think it's pride that says "we did it" and fails to recognize that both marriage and children are a gift and that we are all dependent on God not only to get married but to stay married. (In regards to Children, they are also not a status symbol....because for reasons beyond my capacity to understand, and I say this in the most loving way...  God blesses idiots with children).

I think if it had to do with lovability and lovingness than Jesus would have certainly been married.  As well as numerous other singles in the Bible.  I think that's also what really pisses me off - the Church seems to think it's more godly or righteous to be married.  Which is completely false.  Particularly when you look at several of the most godly (predominantly) men in the Bible.  Even more so when Paul states he wishes more people were as he was...single.

As married persons, I think we act unjustly when exclude our single friends...or even as singles not yet married, when we disappear and become so engrossed in our relationship that we neglect others.  I agree, we have to make our spouse number one and so part of dating is learning how to do that and navigating through that.  But too often, we leave our single friends, those whom we have lamented with and possibly poured out our hearts to and heard their hearts...and we ditch them.  Cuz, well, someone else came along.  And then we marry and well, we want to belong to the club so we should hang out with other couples cuz it's fun and you can talk about couple-stuff.  As married people, there is this belief that married people can't relate to single people.  LIE.  It's a big fat one at that.  I'd even dare to say that probably a lot of your single friends can teach you alot about relationships too.  Just because they are not married does not mean they are not in successful relationships.  I think that's another lie that we often believe.  We tend to forget that the spousal relationship is not the only relationship in life - but we seem to use that one as the only canon.  Perhaps your single friends are genius' in that they can spot dysfunction and codependency before you can and thus set up appropriate boundaries and don't allow their hearts to be given away prematurely.  Perhaps they aren't THAT desperate - that they know that while their heart hurts and longs for another....that trying to make it work with just anyone will be more painful and more tiresome.  Perhaps they are wise.